Close Enough to Get on Each Other’s Nerves.
In the movie Déjà Vu, Denzel Washington plays an investigator working to solve a terrorist attack on a ferry. It’s a wild movie involving time travel, romance and lots of action, but a seemingly small line has always stuck with me. After his colleague, Larry, died in the attack, someone asks whether they were close.
His answer: “Yeah, yeah, you know… Close enough to get on each other’s nerves.”
To me, that line captures something about people who have worked together and built trust. They know each other well enough to experience the irritating habits, challenge the strong opinions and still value the relationship.
Perhaps a sign of trust is that we can get on each other’s nerves and still work well together.
I see this in my own friendships. Some of the people I feel safest with are those I can disagree with. We bump heads, challenge each other and sometimes say things the other would rather not hear. Yet I know the friendship is secure.
Even as a child, the adults who made me feel most valued were those who took the time to listen to me, challenge my opinions and offer their own perspective.
They cared enough to engage with what I thought. Their disagreement could be frustrating, but their attention made me feel that I mattered.
I believe something similar happens in organisations.
My approach to corporate or company culture centres on five elements:
- Taking action
- Dealing with failure in a healthy way
- Understanding strengths
- Building trust
- Practising appreciation.
For me, there is a connection between them. We take action together. We see each other make mistakes and learn how to work through them. We discover and celebrate each other’s strengths. Through these experiences, we build a foundation of trust, and appreciation helps us keep valuing the people we work with.
Feedback and conflict lands differently when that foundation has been laid.
You have seen my effort. You know where I struggle. You have recognised what I contribute. So, when you correct me or ask a difficult question, there is a history between us that helps me receive your words in the right attitude.
Your feedback might still get on my nerves. I might need a moment before I can appreciate it. But I have reason to believe you want me, and our work together, to succeed.
That gives us room for constructive conflict. We can question an idea, challenge a decision or push for a better solution while remaining respectful of each other. There can be enough tension to stretch us and enough trust to keep us working well together.
We spend so much of our time with our colleagues. Perhaps we could become more intentional about building relationships that can hold both the everyday irritation of working closely together and the discomfort of honest feedback.
And perhaps we could start by asking ourselves:
Am I able to be myself around my colleagues?
Am I allowed to ask tough questions; and am I willing to hear theirs?
Are we okay with getting on each other’s nerves, knowing we can still fall back on a solid foundation of trust?
What’s your “Denzel moment”? Do you have a colleague or a team where “getting on each other’s nerves” actually made you better? We’d love to hear your story. Share this post on LinkedIn or Twitter and tag a teammate who isn’t afraid to ask you the tough questions.
True collaboration requires more than just getting along—it requires deep-rooted trust. If you’re ready to transform your company culture and master the art of constructive conflict, let’s talk.
Blog written by Dieter Botha.
