Last week I had the great privilege of spending two days with 56 of some of the best legal brains and mediators in South Africa. This gathering reminded me of one of my most rewarding mediation experiences. It was during the #FeesMustFall student protests of 2016. Many university campuses were in lockdown due to these protests. It was a time of much intimidation and dialogue was difficult. Since many students in our church movement were affected by this conflict we took the courageous decision to create safe places to listen to people’s lived experiences. In collaboration with other organisations and seasoned leaders, we helped to recruit and train “Peace and Justice Witnesses” who could provide an impartial and neutral witness to situations of conflict and thereby aim to influence them towards de-escalation and dialogue rather than violence and unrest.

It just so happened that, through some relationships of trust that we had managed to build, we were invited to provide mediation to one of the largest campuses in Cape Town who were stuck with a breakdown in dialogue and a cycle of conflict. Truly courageous leaders and unsung heroes playing their parts behind the scenes most of the time. What also stood out for me was the courageous leadership of the Vice Chancellor of this university without whose heart for people the mediation would not have been effective. It always takes someone being willing to risk, being willing to put ego and personal agendas aside, to create a place where dialogue and constructive engagement can take place.

He had been parachuted into a situation of great conflict. His predecessor had been suspended. Several buildings had been burned down. Student and staff protestors were growing in number and refused to allow the university to function at all until their list of demands had been met. It was near the end of the academic year and management was adamant that exams would be written. But the protestors were hearing nothing of it. To ensure a safe examination process, the management team had hired venues at prisons, can you believe it?! Anyway, in the heat of it all, I found myself one day alone with the new VC in his corner office suite offering prayer and counsel. I asked him what he wanted to do. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, “Gareth, you know these activists are not my biggest challenge. I think they are good people. If we treat each other as human beings, and with the help of good mediation I believe dialogue will lead to a constructive solution for the challenges at hand. I know we can resolve this peacefully.” I watched him then sit back in his chair, put his hands together in a matter of fact kind of way, totally at peace within himself and confident in his prediction, his silver hair telling a story of many previous occasions of difficulty and conflict that he has navigated through in times gone by. “But,” he continued with another pause for emphasis, “my biggest challenge is not these students. My biggest challenge is that my relationship with my own son is estranged and I don’t know what to do about it.”

I sat there gob smacked by what I had just heard him say. The conflict on the campus was a lesser conflict than the one in his own family. I could not believe that. As I pondered this dilemma, I realized that sometimes the most difficult conflicts are the ones that are closest to home, where emotions run deep and history is long and strong. But they are also the most important ones to resolve. Eventually I broke the silence with the words, “May I offer my assistance in mediation.” He almost wanted to laugh but he could tell that my offer was sincere. He immediately accepted. To cut a long story short, within a week, we were sitting in that same office again, this time three of us and with tears as he reconciled with his son and his son reconciled with him, putting their differences and misunderstandings aside and recommitting to a deeper relationship of trust and honour. I wish every mediation ended like this.

On the second day I got to facilitate these top thinkers to tackle the problems confronting mediation in South Africa today and to formulate their resolutions for the way forward. I must confess that during the course of the first day, I had felt a little intimidated. It was a moment to show courage – not just by accepting the invitation in the first place but now by being in the pressure of the moment. For me that meant saying to myself things like: “Just be yourself. You’ve got this Steady Eddie (yes, I call myself this sometimes). Listen carefully. Use your talent to synthesize complex information into the key and simple elements. No one expects you to be a subject expert. Figure out how to get them working in groups to come up with solutions. Remember, you can ask them to do the work. Get the structure right to create an environment where collaboration happens. Just be human. And treat them as humans on a journey together.” These were some of the words that had been going through my head, perhaps some of them even semi-consciously, as I calmed myself and began to activate inner resolve and courage.

I am glad to report that it worked out fine. In fact, they came up with some powerful proposals and a list of 14 resolutions that could change the landscape of access to justice and appropriate dispute resolution in South Africa in the years to come. It was a joy to see the fruit of the labours of the two days being clearly tabled and agreed to. It was a privilege to have played a small part.

So, why did I feel inadequate or intimidated on that first day?

Perhaps it was because I started to compare myself with others rather than just being myself. Or perhaps I started to think about what I didn’t know rather than remind myself that no-one expected me to be an expert in the subject matter. I wasn’t there for my own knowledge but my ability to help and facilitate others, to create the human connections, and let the knowledge flow from others.

Perhaps I needed to remind myself that it only takes a simple act of courage – to show that you have listened by reflecting back to someone or a group what you thought you heard them say, to make a sincere offer, to provide a direction, to show a way forward. And by being willing to back that up with an action, that in hindsight looks courageous but in actual fact is just being human.

It takes courage to resolve a conflict.

Written by Gareth Stead.

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